I just feel like writing, because I don’t know how else to deal with my thoughts.
I started an unpleasant arthistory study in october this year. I really hated it from the beginning so I knew I was gonna quit till the next semester.
The thing is I’m already 21, next year I’ll be 22 and I still have no study. I hate that feeling, cuz everyone is studing already. I know that actually it’s totally okay and it’s better to take time to finde something that fits, but it’s a crappy feeling though.

Anyways, at least the last to month were giving me so much for myself. I moved to Frankfurt on my own under shitty conditions but I managed to get an apartment somehow. I have nice roommates but still I’m on my own, no friends from my old town, no family , noone. I love my family and friends, but they have a certain image of me, and they’re producing it ON me. So I think I’m the person they think I am, but I noticed that I’m not!
Which is great. I thought I’m lazy and I can’t go though with something, but I can! Okay I’m a bit lazy but not lazier than other people. I have to do practical work, or I woun’t work at all.
I noticed that I’m creative and that this is a gift. I always thought I would never be good enough to do kreative stuff, cuz everyone told me (and they have no idea because THEY AREN’T CREATIVE or they aren’t passioned) you have to be outragous and extraordinary… but well I am. I know it’s in me, but I’m affraid of letting it out, because … they persuade that I’m not good enough with their talking, so I don’t even try!
I don’t blame them. There are a lot of ppl who don’t give a shit what ppl say, but I give a shit and that’s my problem.

This also showed me, that noone really knows me, or reckon me. And of course they can’t , because they can’t take a look inside me. But now I can, that noone of them is here. I can look into myself and finally recognize what I’m capable of doing, and it sets a power free I never experenced before. It feels so good.

But everytime I call some familymember, the old predudice take over and I get very discouraged and sad and I  think I can’t make it. I love my family, they don’t tell me, you don’t have talent they always told me, do what you want, so you get happy, but still, you hear their voices of “ahm„ okay how about the money. How will you affort that” but really. FUCK MONEY. I want to do what makes me happy or I won’t work, I’m a person , when I’m not happy, I do shit. I can’t work, I can’t communicate I’m like windows 95.

But I don’t know how to get over that feeling and simply say FUCK THAT! I’M GONNA DO THAT AND I’M GONNA DO IT GOOD. It just doesn’t work that way. But this power is inside me. I feel that it takes just a tini tiny bit, and I’ll do great things, but how do I make myself not to care. I really don’t know.
And that upsets me.

Ah that feels good